


Lord, Let Your Servant Go In Peace

by wreckofherheart



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Levi/Eren Yeager-centric, M/M, Male Slash, Older Eren Yeager, Psychological Trauma, ereri
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-15
Updated: 2015-04-15
Packaged: 2018-03-23 02:35:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,764
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3751138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wreckofherheart/pseuds/wreckofherheart
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>'You were never meant to live this life.' [Levi/Eren]</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lord, Let Your Servant Go In Peace

He watches them die.

The man's fingertips taste of ash. His palms painted with dirt.

A corpse is screaming.

It takes him three nights to bury their bodies, after wasting his hours on his knees, crying. The shovel burns his skin. He vomits from the stench of decaying flesh. Clings to her shirt and weeps, pressing his forehead to her stomach. Oh,  _oh_ , how the Devil has paid his vengeance. This isn't a war, this isn't an attack. This is just punishment. Eren wails out.

Mikasa is cold by the time he tends to her.

He thinks it best to treat her as any other stranger. No attachments. No tears. He has done enough crying. Eren lifts her thin body, doesn't look at her bitten cheek, her torn lip, broken neck. He throws her into the grave, scrunches his eyes shut,  _holds himself_ , and then buries her. He prays and prays and prays, and  _begs_  for forgiveness; tells God and whatever cruel entity roams the Heavens above that he is  _so, so sorry for everything he has done_.

The uniform on his skinny form is tattered, and his jacket is shredded. His eyes are bloodshot, cheeks grazed, arms trembling, legs aching as he walks away.

His platoon is down.

Only he survived.

Eren rakes his fingernails down his face, hard enough for him to bleed.

~

The Titans are winning.

Human life is perishing. Survivors are rare to come by now.

Graves are running out.

Christ have Mercy. For there are too many bodies left to rot.

Eren finds a small chapel and collapses over the alter. His tears stain the wood, and his hand reaches out for the crucifix. He clutches the wooden symbol, desperate. Then, he is sorry again. Sorry for letting his platoon die, sorry for not being an efficient commanding officer. Sorry he couldn't get to Armin in time before that wretched  _beast_  cut through his body.

Why not take me?

Why not  _take me_? Take me! My Lord, take me!

Please,  _please_ , from the depths of Hell, I  _scream_  for you!

~

The alcohol tastes sweet on his lips. Eren doesn't drink much. He never has, and he never will. Sobriety is his closest comfort. He scowls at those who drown themselves in poison. Cowards, he spits,  _you dreadful cowards_. Face reality, damn it.  _This is reality_. You cannot run away.  _You cannot run away from your approaching fate, and I cannot wait for the day it steals your soul_.

Today is his Birthday. He is twenty six.

Still young, they say. Still young and fresh.

Eren has never felt older.

He raises his glass, imagines Armin and Mikasa beside him. They are tired and old, too, but they are smiling for his sake. They are with him 'till the end. Eren loves them both dearly. He imagines kissing Mikasa's cheek, kissing Armin's forehead, promising another day of victory.

One more day with his small family.

Abandoning his drink, he leaves the empty bar, and onto the dusty roads where only demons come out to play.

~

'Jaeger.'

It has been four months since anybody has spoken to him.

Eren turns around, wide eyed, and gasps.

Finally someone has acknowledged him, recognised him, and the face is beautiful. Scarred and beginning to wrinkle, peeling lips, sore eyes. Levi has stopped in his tracks, equally as shocked. Eren doesn't know if his own platoon is with him, or if they, too, have fallen. He swallows, and doesn't want to think about that. Levi's army are too brilliant to die.

Levi's facial hair is dark, and hasn't been trimmed in some time.

He has been gone for years. Tracking Titans and impaling them, cutting through the back of their necks and releasing the torn spirit within.

Eren never thought he would see him after so long.

Oh,  _oh Gods_ , it  _has_  been so  _long_.

Tears tickle his eyes. He inhales sharply, and presses his palms to his face. 'I lost them, Levi,' he says, 'They're all gone.  _They're all gone_.' Eren closes his eyes, relieving his tears. They feel good on his cheeks, washing him clean. Warm and salty. He exhales shakily, shakes his head. 'I lost.'

Levi doesn't move. He watches his former ally shatter. Eren digs his nails into his skin, in some attempt to gain control of his emotions, but they're too strong.

They have him. His wrists have been nailed to the ground, scalp ripped, body pressed until he can no longer catch his breath.

This child, this poor baby child.

'Jaeger, what are you doing?'

'I–– I don't know! I was searching for survivors ––  _anybody_!' Eren scowls. His body has betrayed him and he can't stop shaking. 'Levi, tell me you've found survivors! Tell me we're not alone!'

'We're not alone,' Levi replies. 'There are plenty of survivors, Jaeger, but why are you looking for them? You're wasting valuable time.'

'Oh––  _Don't you see_?!' Eren's throat is dry, voice raw and pitched, 'Don't you see?! We can't win! We have tried fighting for decades,  _hundreds of years_ , and look where we are! I lost the only two people I loved! I'm alone, I'm fighting alone, but now all I want is somebody to–– to  _talk to me_! I'm going insane. I'm going insane, sir. I have spent every year of my life killing those Titans, and now you say I'm wasting valuable time because all I want is  _company_?'

Levi says nothing.

It only upsets Eren more.

'I killed my friends. I let them die. I was––  _stupid_! All I ever wanted was for the Titans to burn, I never–– I lost them because I was too focussed on my enemy. What kind of person am I? What kind of  _monster_  am I turning into? I thought I could beat them, but I'm just  _weak_!' Eren comes over, his feet dragging across the dusty ground. He grabs Levi's collar, pulling him close. ' _We're weak_! We've lost. Can't you see that? Are you so blind in your pride you can't see that humanity has lost?!'

This is not the boy he once knew.

This is not Eren Jaeger. A naïve, passionate and loving young man. This is the Eren Jaeger Levi always dreaded he would become. Lose the fight to his own mind, succumb to his agony. Is that all Eren has ever felt? Agony? His loss?

Levi lowers his gaze.

This is what they have become. Loveless men who only live to pour blood.

The world is truly a cruel place.

Two soldiers, alienated from the touch of friends and the embrace of their mothers. They are lonely men, whom Angels pity. Before, they were victorious and magnificent. They were immortal, unstoppable; they thought they could win, and flourish.

'Tell me this is a dream.'

Levi looks at Eren. The younger soldier is clutching his collar, head bowed, knees bending beneath him. He is begging. He is begging Levi to lie, tell him this is a dream. In a couple of hours, he'll wake up and everything will be bright and perfect and as it should be.

Eren shudders, clenches his jaw. 'Say something! I need you to say something––' His voice cracks, and tears pour down his cheeks, dripping to the ground. 'Please say something.'

But all words are useless now. No words will remedy this beaten child. Nothing can save him, and Levi is horrified. This is what he has created. This is the soldier he has trained, released into the wild, and forgotten about. This is the boy who held onto his every word,  _worshipped_ him.

This is the boy he has ravaged.

'Jaeger, this is no way to live.' Levi places his hands at either side of Eren's face, and forces their eyes to meet. Eren continues to cry, his eyes are bursting with his sadness, and Levi struggles to not look away. He has seen nightmares, seen countless deaths, but this sight is unimaginable. Eren has been defeated, and Levi can never forgive himself. 'You were never meant to live this life.'

A sob breaks from Eren's throat, and his hands move from Levi's collar to the back of his head. Eren's hands knot in his hair, and he squeezes, pushing Levi towards him. Their foreheads meet, and Eren cries a little more, gaze lowered. He clings to Levi desperately, needing him as close as possible, never wanting him to let go.  _Stay. Please, stay with me_.

'When will it end? When will it stop?' Eren stutters. 'When will it end?'

Levi exhales. 'That is a question I cannot answer, Jaeger.'

They are already dead, waiting in purgatory.

Purgatory is lasting a millennia.

And Eren is slowly being dragged into the pits.

Levi's hands don't slip from his face. Eren's tears meet Levi's thumbs, and he wipes them away. He watches the soldier cry, watches his sanity tumble, and there's something so breathtaking about it. Something about Eren's mercy which leaves Levi in awe.

This is how we fall, together,  _at last_.

Levi kisses his mouth. Eren tenses, scrunches his eyes shut, pushes Levi harder against him. Their lips taste bitter, faintly of alcohol, and dread. Their hands and arms bruise their skin, so desperate to hang onto one another. The dust lifts from the ground, masking their boots and faces.

Both men meet each other in another kiss. This one softer, less frightening. Levi's tongue is gentle and patient, managing to calm Eren's temper. They pull apart, Eren's nose accidentally bumping into Levi's. Eren takes his collar, and kisses him a final time, teeth knocking together, knees touching. Levi's palm caresses Eren's cheek until he eventually forfeits.

~

They don't say much after that. All that needs to be said has been said. All that needs to be done has been done. Now, they must split ways, depart.

Fight for the next chilling day.

~

_Homes are being built as I write this. Our freedom has come, but at a heavy price. We may be a fallen race, but we have survived. The Titans continue to roam and we cannot massacre them yet –– not when our armies are so small. But, soon, we will. Soon, the human race will conquer. We will earn our victory. Eventually. One must be patient, though. Let it come._

_We have shelter. The Wall is larger, bigger and stronger._

_We have time, at last._

_I ask you to join me. We will patrol the Wall, guard the village, allow humanity to flourish properly._

_We are the protectors of our future armies._

_Come home to us, Eren._

_Your affectionate friend,_

_Levi_

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to avoid leaving this oneshot with an upsetting ending, and cast some hope instead. In the letter, I've had it that due to the human race dangerously reaching extinction, it's been decided humans only remain within their territory. Bigger walls are being built, and as the decades pass, someday humanity will be large and strong enough to eliminate the Titans at last. And, yes, Eren did come to Levi. As for their relationship, that's up to you to decide.
> 
> Thank you ever so much for reading. Please do leave feedback and/or kudos. This is my first time writing Eren/Levi, and I really hope I did all right.


End file.
